Too skitz 4 u
by 2cute
Summary: a chance meeting, a forbiden love and a psychotic father makes for a very emotional ride
1. The chance meeting

**To skitz for you!**

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Veronica, but Veronica was lonely, her sarcotic father, King Jelly Man, was an over possessive know-it-all who believed she needed edicate more than to have futile friendships, so, every time she brought a new friend home her father would deliberately sabotage their fun by asking outrageous tasks. The only joy she ever found was by a place she liked to call 'The River of False Hope', where she would write stories of what she wished her life to be.

River

One hot summers' day as she sat down writing her latest fantasy she had an epiphany, 'it is such a hot day, maybe I should go for a swim.' Having not brought swimmers with her, she improvised, stripping down to only her underwear, she entered the cool refreshing water. After 10 minuets she saw something moving, and as she made to get out of the water a figure appeared. Obviously not noticing her, he took of his top and entered the river, suddenly the unsuspecting male visitor heard a scream and saw something coming towards his head. Ducking just in time, he looked over to see a strange, young, half naked girl in HIS river, still in shock he tried to ask her obvious question ' Who are you?', but before he can get the words out he hears…

'What the hell, you scared the crap out of me… who do you think you are?' She glares at him, waiting for his response.

In an indignant tone he answers her, 'EXCUSE ME, this is my father's property, who the hell do you think you are? This ISN'T bush week, or haven't you noticed?'

Offended by his tone she replies 'if you check your Calendar you will find that it _is_ bush week, and you should know better than to treat royalty in this manner'

'Oh, look at me I'm a princess…' he says in a sarcastic tone as he gets out of the river.

'I'll leave you to get dressed,' as he walked off slowly gathering his cloths under his arm, she slowly creeped up the bank of the river. Once dressed she glanced at her watch and ran back to the castle.

Castle

'Where have you been?' asked King Jelly Man. 'You were supposed to be back by three…'

Still rather grumpy from her run in with the stranger, she answered ' I'm so sick of your nagging… just leave me alone' and she stormed up to her room well aware her father was right behind her. As she entered her room and slammed the door she heard…

'Sweetie pie, what's the matter? … You can tell daddy… Would you like someone beheaded? Another pony? What about a visit from Draco Malfoy?'

'Can I have all four?' Came the teary reply.

'Umm … sure.' He said in a befuddled manner as he walked towards his study contemplating what he had just agreed to.

River

Two days later Veronica set out toward The River of False Hope with a mission.

When she arrived, she was not surprised to find the strange boy lounging on the bank. His dark hair fell shyly on his forehead, his toned features where nicely tanned and as he lay totally relaxed, with his eyes shut, she walked over to him. As he lazily opened his eyes she noticed how green and piercing his gaze could be.

'What can I do for you, princess?' He said in relaxed tone.

'I came to … to… to…' she said in an uncertain tone.

'To what? Breathe my valuable air? Well you've done it now, so you can leave again.' Came the amused reply.

'Actually... I came to apologise… if you don't mind' she said in a very reluctant-irritated voice.

'Well you might need to be formally introduced to the one you're apologising to then… I'm Esan,' he extended a very relaxed hand towards her, 'and you are? No, no don't tell me... you're… Princess Veronica, aren't you?'

Taking his hand limply, she shakes it with a look of forced disgust on her face.

'Now princess … now what did you want to say?' he said with a smug smile on his face.

'Esan…' she said cautiously 'I want to apologise for my very rude behavior two days ago.'

'Any thing else…?' He was really enjoying this.

'What more did you expect?' she almost screamed at him.

After a few seconds 'OK, apology accepted…' he said with an idiotic smile, you know, the one that people wear when there've just won something.

' Would you like to sit down?' he said

'You mean sit with a peasant?' she looked at him. He had obviously never thought of himself as a peasant before.

'Sure' she said almost laughing. 'I will sit with you as long as there are no smart-alec jokes about me being a royal, alright'

He nodded slowly, he was not sure that was possible.

'WOW, I feel so honored… most PEASANTS don't get to sit with royalty' he said sounding almost hurt.

'I didn't mean it like that; do you want me to apologise to you again?'

'Well… Maybe just once more'

'Try no. So this is your father's property?'

'Yer, last time I checked. You're not gunna go home and tell daddy you want it, are you? 'He said in the most patronizing voice he could manage

'If I was not royalty… I would kick your but… and that's a promise!'

'Well let's play a game...' she gave him puzzled look ' lets pretend… that you're not royalty'

'Fine' she said lunging at him.

Almost surprised that she took the bait, he fell sideways as she felt some thing digging in to his skin, and soon noticed they were her nails.

'You're just lucky we're pretending you're not royalty, aren't you?'

'And you don't know what you've got your self into…'

Pinning him to the ground she said 'now… lets pretend that YOUR royalty'

The two went on playing around, totally unaware they were being watched…

Esan and veronica spent many afternoons by the river, talking about life, laughing, and joking. But of all the many days spent talking, they never noticed the shadow lurking in the bushes… little did they know that this stalker could mean the end, to not only their friendship… but potentially there lives.


	2. the plot thickens

_castle_

'We don't have a choice.' King Jelly-Man stated in a soothing tone.

' BUT I DON'T KNOW HIM!' retorted princess Veronica.

' YOU DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE.' the king yelled back

' I'M NOT READY… I'M …I….'

' I… _I_, THERE'S NO _I_ IN KINGDOM!'

'But daddy there is an I…'

'Fine… THERE'S NO _ME_!'

' BUT DADDY, YOU'RE THE KING'

'I'M TALKING ABOUT THE SPELLING… SHEESH! We have got to get you a better school.'

' Dad I don't go to school.'

' We'll have to get you a better tutor then…'

'Dad… I don't have one of those either.'

'Well THERE you go.' He said sarcastically.

'Daddy, I'm all sad now… can I have another pony?'

'NO, YOU CAN GET A SERVENT TO ESCORT YOU TO TOWN TO GET YOUR SELF A TUTOUR.'

'But daddy I already have a tutor.'

' YOU LIED TO ME…YOU DIDN'T HAVE ONE THREE SECONDES AGO.'

' OK, I'll just be leaving now.' She said as she slinked off in the other direction.

_River_

Seeing Esan, Princess Veronica begins to cry, seeing this Esan extends an arm towards her as an invitation to come sit beside him. Veronica, being ill educated and unable to read body language, takes this as a 'come cry on my shoulder' motion. Unexpectedly, Esan has a blubbering princess attached to his body, in what is supposed to resemble a hug.

Patting her on the back, unsure what to do, he mumbles, 'great.'

Noticing this has no effect, he quickly changes his tactics…

'Now now, what's da madda?' He says in his most sym**pathetic** tone.

Sobbing uncontrollably, she explained her father's devious plot to marry her off to some prince in Fhuttingham whom she had never met, and from his picture looked like a squished pigeon. On his broad shoulder, she spluttered, "…but I… I don't love him."

Esan thought a moment. Totally unaware of the danger that lay ahead, he whispered softly into Veronica's ear, 'I've got a plan…'

_Author's Notes:_ _Hello, my name is Hannah, 2cute has asked me to help her write the rest of her story. So the word "author's" that you no doubt see above, should really be "authors'" (and no, that was not supposed to be funny, and no, I am not using sarcasm, even though sarcasm is supposed to be funny and then, according to my teacher, I'd be using an oxymoron). I realize that you may have been waiting a while for this chapter to come out (I just hope that I'm not flattering myself like Australia thinking that they're a prime target for terrorism), and I realize that it is short. But it's similar to what they say about life, it's not about quantity, but quality. And in this chapter, the plot starts to unravel. __Esan is pronounced like Ethan, but with an 's' (stress the 'e')._

_Reece helped to write this chapter too._


	3. What was that

**Chapter three**

_Farm_

In the Fwogy Family orchard, sat a young girl all of ten – with big cute puppy dog eyes that could get her all the dollies her father could afford - fast asleep. And as this young girl sat fast asleep, her elder brother was bidding his time, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce.

**!POUNCE!**

A shriek rang out across the orchard.

"Hey lil' sis'" Esan giggled jovially. "Oh don't be such a sook; it's not as if I pounced on you or anything. Anyway, is that the right way to greet your very own brother; screaming at my face face like that that? I should be screaming at your face, after nutting Zealand like that. Don't gammon cry, I know you're faking."

She jerked her head up violently and exclaimed coldly. "What, like you are with your princess!" She clapped her hand to her mouth in astonishment of the untold secrets of her mind, and the fact that she had been stalking him for the past two months now, and said "I did not say that, I did not say that."

"Oh yes you did little sis', you did say that." He looked her up and down, wondering what she had meant by that outburst.

_River_

"Where is he? Where is he?" she stomped uncoordinatedly. "If I am not home before the clock strikes three, my father will surely have me killed. He will hire a huntsman to do away with me, and will tell him to bring back my heart in a pretty little box, but he may spare me, as I have often read, by sending me into the forest, where I shall surely die, for I do not like cute little animals that sing, and midgets make me nervous."

"What exactly about midgets makes you nervous?" Said a sinister, husky voice behind her.

As Veronica turned around to see Esan standing with a wet white shirt, she got a giddy feeling in the bottom of her tummy, but this soon turned to shock as a malevolent laugh came from _the bushes:_

**MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA**

**HA**

**HAHA**

**HAHAHA**

**HAHA**

**HA **

**URGGH**

**COUGH**

Veronica looked at Esan, terror etched, all through her body, the giddiness gone, until for a second time in as many minutes, she saw that Esan's top was see through.

All of a sudden, Veronica starts to laugh a laugh most _evil_ that Satan himself runs in fear of.

**HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI**

**HI**

**HIHIHI**

**HI**

**HOHOO**

This is the laugh of a girl, a girl most opprobriously spoilt. When Christmas comes, she is deserving of a lump of coal, not 5000 ponies, two turtle doves and an emu up a gum tree. But still, she is about to get exactly what she wants. A severe case of bootinmybumitis.

**!POUNCE!**

A shriek rang out across the river.

"STOP IT. GET OFF ME. IT'S MINE!"

"What is?"

"MY FACE!"

"Sorry."

"Was that you?"

"What what?" She asked stupidly.

"You you pounced pounced on on my my face face, and you have the nerve to say 'what what'?"

Standing up to her full height and poking out her chest she replied "Princess' do not repeat words repeatedly!" In the most articulate voice she could muster (mmm… muster).

"What the heck is wrong with your chest?" For the first time ever, Esan's eyes had been drawn to her chest most romantically, like a bee to the honey, and clouds to rain, and grasshoppers to karate instructors. Unfortunately, the only reason his eyes were anywhere near that particular bulge in her anatomy, was the apparent wonkiness to her chesticular region.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, for one thing, they're on an angle. I would geusstimate it is on an angle of 45 degrees north east, from the horizontal, which is where the lower one is, or is that the other way 'round? And another thing they look to be different cup sizes one would be a 12AA and the other a 4DD. Let me fix that." Esan's hand (not entirely dissimilar to a hand reaching for an apple) approached the startled princess' chesticular region.

"OH MY GIDDY UNCLE! YOU JUST VILOLTED MY circle!"

"You have a circle?"

"Everybody has a _circle_! Around everyone there is a _circle_, and nobody can enter that _circle_ without the _circle_ holder's permission! And you just did it without mine, and I'm the _circle_ holder!

"Noooo, I was about to stop before you prevented me from stopping! Besides, see this?" He was pointing at his face. "See this, is my face, and I certainly did not say that you could come into _my circle_!"

"Oh. I'm sorry, did I say that everyone has a circle? Well what I meant was every_woman_!" And with that, the little lemon tart stomped off leaving Esan in awe of how self centred and stupid the female race could be.

And for the second time in as many minutes, a laugh most evil came from _the bushes_.

**MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA**

**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

**MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

**HAHAHAHAHAHA**

**HA**

Esan turns around lethargically and says "Amy, come out, I know it's you."

"No, I am, er, Yam, Yam is not Amy, unless you jumble the letters around. Dam! I did not say that. I did not say that."

"Dam, lil' sis', that laugh of yours is pure evil. Hey come out of the bushes."

"That girl you got hangin' off your face is down right weird." At this Esan remembered the confusion he had felt as he was randomly attacked by this hormonal teen. "Where's your top?"

"Doh!"


	4. Bring on the music

_**Castle**_

Jolly king jelly man jovially sang

"_Soon, soon, soon the wedding bells will clang BOOM_

_Very very soon I will be a happy king_

_And this is the song that I shall sing_... or rather am singing

_Play the royal trumpets! _(The royal trumpet players play their royal trumpets well)

**_Bum bada bum_**

_Bring on the strumpets! _(The strumpets come in whilst doing the can-can)

_Lets all eat crumpets!"_

They all stampeded to the buffet table where

_Lugal glugal lugal lugal lugal lugal laaarrggghh_

They all suffered indigestion from half masticated crumpets

"**M_I_D_G_E_T_S"**

**Authors notes:  
**tis a bit short, but who cares (bar Vron Vron)  
By the way, if you don't know what a strumpet is you are illiterate, so ask your dear mama (mUm) or dictionary


	5. Ouch Draco?

Chapter 5

_castle_

While the trumpets were trumpeting, and the strumpets were strumpeting, and the crumpets were crumpeting, King Jelly Man was jumpeting-on his very own wonky donkey.

_river_

Down by the river there was some violent whispering

"_Shut up some one might hear you"_

"_What… no …you shut up"_

"_No you"_

"_No you"_

"_No you!!!"_

"_I know... why don't we both shut up"_

"_Ok sounds good"_

"_Its gunna take a miracle to get me into that castle"_

"_What castle?"_

"_The castle in which you __**live**__"_

"_I always thought of it as a sweet little cottage situated on a huge amount of land with lots of people grovelling at my knees…Shut up"_

"_Alright, alright I'm shutting up…_but how do I look? Do I look dashing, spunky, eloquent in fashion, like a hot potato or maybe just a hunky stud muffin?"

"Get over your self… oh and by the way… _SHUT UP_."

Castle

"Daddy… do you love me?"

"What cha want!!!" he said almost harshly.

Sheepishly she continued "Daddy I would really really really really like it if Dwako Malfoy and Wunako came to the ball tomorrow?" She trailed off.

"What ball" choking on his coffee king jelly man spluttered

"The ball you promised me six days, 2 hours and 3 minutes and 27 seconds, 28, 29, 30, 31, I'm still counting daddy"

"Was this the day that you made your new record with seven tantrums, the lowest ever for a day?"

"Actually…" a periwinkle blue butterfly flitters past the open window distracting veronica from her very important…NO her extremely important… NO her opprobriously important statement "I like muffins" she says with a giggle.

King Jelly Man looks confused, until it was all made very clear when the periwinkle blue butterfly flitters past the open window again distracting him from his very important…NO his extremely important… NO his opprobriously important statement "I like them too." He says with a nod.

The butter fly lands on the King Jelly Mans nose hair leaving pollen grains every where.

"Why are you clicking your fingers at me?!" He says while drunkenly trying to imitate the imaginary butterfly's movement.

"Okay Daddy stay still now. It's so pretty, I want to touch it. Stay very still now."

"You got no right, clicking your little, miniscule, almost non-existent fingers at me honey" He said whilst violently shoving his doughty daughter's shoulder.

Just then "how dare u punch me you, you…." He was so angry that he couldn't make the words, but when he did he said it in a, in a seethen, no really really seethen tone "_Flutterby._"  
Thenm, the butterfly swooped down to the marble, incandescent floor, King Jelly Man's massive pulsating and engorged fist followed shortly after with the almighty force of his big fat muyu crushing the exoskeleton of a flea. Which hit the ground with a most echoing thud (thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thud thux).

"ouch" sounding very plain, he threw his head back up again.

This happened simultaneously with the pounce like grabbing motion of Veronica's fingers towards the butterfly which had ascended most symbolically to the heavens. "Daddy? Is this sposed to happen? I never know, people keep saying that thing happen for a reason, but is this one of those times? Daddy? Is this sposed to happen? Daddy? DAddy? DADdy? DADDy? DADDY?!!!!!

All of a sudden King Jelly Man awakes from his hallucinogenic slumber like a chip out of a chip packet.

He looks at Veronica "there's a, a, a k, k, k? What the bakery?"

Looking down on her now incapacitated father she says "I believe the word is embedded. Oh and by the way, I'm taking that sudden fainting episode as a yes. I'll just write a reminder on your hand."

**_Authors' notes:_**

_Wonky donkey is a jumpy castle_

_There are four, two of me, and one of each of you_

_Tourette's syndrome_

_This is how you spell Tourette's T-O-U-R-E-T-T-E-APOSTROPHE-S_


	6. Chucking a spaz

Chapter 6

The night was crisp, the stars were sparkling and the moon was full of it… he had had it up to here indicates to head the sun was always shining in his eyes… and pseudo was singing his song.

_La notte va senza di te, senza di te;  
ti vorrei, ai quattro venti lo direi,  
ascolta che nel buio c'è un po' di me._

Meanwhile Veronica was fussing over her dress, her boobs were to small, her corset was to big and her shoes didn't fit right. "Betty… Betty… BETTY!!!" As 'petite young woman' walked in to answer veronicas shrilling voice

"sowy vrrown, but me mums in tha kitchen, is there any fing I can do?"

"How dare she… pick me over the kitchen" 'petite young woman' looked confused, was it a rhetorical question?

"Any way the reason I called your mother, but got you which I am completely dissatisfied with… you're to pretty, and your one size bigger than me, if I was one size bigger this would dress would fit. Here take it, Take it TAKE IT!!! Show me up like u always do tho I never see u and you don't have a name" veronica striped at alarming rate like a hysterical bolt of lightning and haphazardly threw the dress at a mystified 'petite young woman'

"Now" she said in a almost calm voice "I'm going to chuck a spaz in the bathroom while at the same time fixing my hair, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WOMEN DO… THEY MULTI TASK!!! And see this frizz??? It's not going to unfrizz its self" she marches off in her undies holding her piece of hair.

'petit young woman' put on the dress and to her surprise it was a perfect fit when suddenly like the bananas in pinstripe pyjamas knock there heads together, an epiphany knocked her off her feet she quite literally fell over.

Getting up she to her knees, her finger snapped up narrowly missing her right… no no left, no right. Owh it doesn't matter the important thing is that it snaped up not entirely dissimilar to the icon featured below. "Vwon Vwon! I have the answer!" She walked up to the bathroom door and softly proposed "How about we make up for what you lack with a t-shirt. Come out now, I'll make it all better."

"My hair…" Veronica mumbled

"I'll fix that at the same time, I'll multitask like you, we can be women together."

"As long as I'm the bigger woman."

_**Authors' notes:**_

Song from:

Venti

_Riccardo Fogli_


End file.
